Setting boundaries that we can control

I set a boundary with someone and they didn't respect it. Now what? I think most of us imagine our ideal scenarios when we go to set boundaries for the first time. “The person will totally understand! They will accept my boundary and we’ll move forward! It will be a one-time conversation and I won't have to do anything else!”

Unfortunately, the ideal scenario is often not how it plays out, even with people who love us and want what’s best for us. It can take time to adjust to new situations, even for people who want to and are willing to work with us. However, a big part of what I work on with clients and supervisees has to do with setting boundaries that are actually under our control. 

Let's review what boundaries are, why they're not the same as ultimatums, and what we can do to get clear on what we need.

My definition of boundaries

Boundaries are rooted in your needs, your values, and your own unique sense of what’s okay for you and what isn’t. We all have that understanding inside of us. And while our boundaries may change over time, we can understand them like this: Boundaries are the external expression of our internal limits.

What commonly happens is that, over the years, we internalize certain beliefs about setting boundaries that are actually rooted in capitalism, colonialism, and patriarchy: that we should always put others first, that setting boundaries is selfish, that it's not polite, that we should keep things smooth at all costs. We’re not taught how to listen to our needs, let alone speak them, and so we lose touch with what our boundaries are.

Working on your boundaries is learning to listen to and respect your own limits. This starts with believing that, just as all human beings are, you are worthy, and that you deserve to have your needs met.

Because we’ve all spent a lifetime learning to take care of everyone else before ourselves (especially those of us who’ve been socialized as female), when we start to turn toward ourselves, it's likely going to feel weird, selfish, and uncomfortable. This is no wonder: it’s so contrary to much of what we’ve been taught. But it doesn’t mean that you’re doing the wrong thing. Listening to your limits and acting in line with them isn’t selfish; it’s self-sufficient. Being able to choose where we put our time and energy while letting go of guilt and shame is a very healthy, adult thing to do.

The good news is that, the more you practice turning toward yourself, the better and more normal it feels. I hear this from my clients all the time--the first time can feel really uncomfortable, but you survive it. The next time is a little bit easier, and the next time after that is even easier, and so on. You realize that the world doesn’t fall apart just because you have needs, too.

What boundaries can we actually set?

We may feel even more discomfort after setting a boundary if we receive pushback for it, or we feel like our limits are still not being respected. However, we often try to enact what’s good for us and what we need by focusing on other people’s behaviour.

If you go to bed at 11pm and you don’t want to be woken up by texts pinging at you, you might be tempted to ask your friends, “Hey, can you keep in mind not to text me after 11pm?”. But this gives up a lot of power in the situation, because it banks on all of your friends remembering your sleep schedule and never making a mistake with it. You can take responsibility for your own sleep and health by turning your phone on silent.

Another example that often comes up in therapy has to do with being around difficult family members. It’s common for people who are working on their boundaries to say, “I’m not going to put up with insults, you can’t talk down to me, that’s not okay”. Unfortunately, while this should be enough, with certain people it isn’t--they're going to continue their behaviour regardless. So now we’re waiting for the other person to respect our boundaries, and we’ve made them responsible for our wellbeing. The way to put that back into something that is actually under your control is to be clear that, for example, if yelling occurs, you're going to leave the situation, and then the key is to actually leave.

This doesn’t always feel fair. We've already set the boundary! At the same time, though, it’s one of the most self-protective things you can do, rather than stay in a situation that is not good for you. This also means that you need to be ready to take that action on your own behalf, and if you’re not ready, that’s okay. In the meantime, focus on other, maybe smaller boundaries you can control: how long you stay at family events, how often you go, if at all, or giving yourself permission to leave the room for a few minutes.

Boundaries are all about being in touch with what our head, heart, and body are telling us, so in this way, it’s not about controlling what someone else does. Boundaries are not ultimatums.  We can't demand, shame, manipulate or coerce people into giving us what we want or need.

Identifying what we need

As we work on boundaries, we may find that we've been acting out of sync with our internal sense of what's best for us. But because we're often so disconnected from our needs, it can be difficult to know what we really want in order to prioritize it.

Figuring out what we want is a good first step in setting boundaries. When we’re clear on what’s important to us, the path ahead becomes clearer. Here's an exercise to help you discover your values:

• First, list your three most important values (e.g., stability, family, friendships, pleasure,creativity, health, adventure). If you're having trouble figuring out your values, you can use a values card exercise. I like this downloadable resource from Kerr Creative.
  
• Now, list three things you want to say yes to, in line with each of those values (e.g., for the value of health, you might want to say yes to regular appointments with your health professionals, or for a value of adventure, the thing you’re saying yes to could include travel, or trying one new thing a month).
  
• Finally, what do you need to say no to in order to say yes to everything you listed above? Write down 10 things you’re spending time, resources, or energy on that don’t fit with your values.
  

If this is helpful, you can download this exercise as a free printable worksheet. And if you'd like extra support on setting boundaries, I have a mini course called How to say no, where we learn more about listening to ourselves, making difficult decisions, and dealing with the guilt that comes up.