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When I ask couples what their goals are for counseling, one of the most common answers I get is “better communication”. But ironically, I don’t think I’ve met a couple yet who’ve needed actual help learning the “right words” to talk to each other. I swear I must have some of the most verbose, self-aware clients in Edmonton. But they’re still getting stuck, and I think the common assumption is “I must not be saying it right” or “my partner’s not hearing me”. This hasn’t been my experience.
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 I can't help it. Even though I have a list of books to share with you, the resource I'm SO excited about this month is... a podcast. Yup - it's month two and I'm already changing all the rules. I promise you this will be worth it.
"Dear Sugar Radio" is billed as an advice column "for the lost, lonely and heartsick", and though many of the letters they answer do centre around relationships, I have to say it's much deeper and much broader than I expected. The first episode I listened to was on mothering and guilt, and as I sat in the car crying (with my partner beside me looking helpless and concerned), I thought - yes. This is the podcast I need to need to hear right now. I've been listening to it non-stop since. In the last 5 years I've worked with more and more helping professionals and caregivers, supporting them to be a support to others. It's probably one of the things I enjoy the most, because there are so many good people out there trying to do helping work, and I've actually figured out some things that can allow them to keep doing what they're passionate about, despite the heaviness of the work. I get a little excited about this because I now know without a doubt that it is completely possible to do some amazing things without giving up your life in the process. And actually, it's not only possible, but better for everyone involved - keep in mind that we're able to do more and better work when we can still connect to our own aliveness.
Those of you who read my post last week know a little bit about a difficult experience I had a few years ago when I was dealing with migraines. For those of you who haven’t read it, I shared that I had been in the habit of taking on more and more until my body finally said “stop”. The chronic stress I’d been dealing with over the years, along with the acute stress of a difficult work situation, was too much for my body to handle, and it progressed to a point where I was dealing with high intensity pain on a daily basis. And that went on for a year.
So I don’t know how many of you have seen a counselor, or if you ever wonder what goes on in the world of a psychologist OUTSIDE the therapy room (“do they really do all the meditating they’re telling me is so beneficial?”) but I’ve got a little bit of insight that I’d like to share with you. I have noticed that in psychology, self care gets talked about a lot… but similar to other helping fields, the actual practice of putting ourselves as a priority is not so good. There’s a lot of TALK about work-life balance, but the structural systems within the workplace – be it nonprofit or private practice – make it really hard to actually have balance. Now, in my early 20s, I was excited enough about the work, and energetic enough, that I could “buckle down and push through”. But by the time I turned 27 – not that old – the effect of “pushing through” was starting to wear on me.
One thing I've come to realize over the years is that, contrary to popular belief, everyone has boundaries. Stick with me - I know it's so common to feel that if you're a people pleaser, it means you have "no boundaries". So let's get really clear. Boundaries are your own unique sense of what’s okay for you and what isn’t. It’s your internal understanding of what nourishes you and what doesn’t. We all have that understanding inside of us. We all have limits. What commonly happens is that over the years that we lose touch with our boundaries, or we learn that they're not important. So, with that in mind, when you start working on your own boundaries, what you're really doing is learning to listen to and respect your own limits.
"I can be so caring to my friends, my family, to anyone who needs it... but me? I don't deserve it..."
I hear this kind of sentiment time and time again from clients. The idea of self-care is nice, and they agree with the theory of honoring our own needs... but as an actual practice? Well, that's for other people. I mean, who am I to take up space, to have a voice, to need a break sometimes? If I really allow myself that, isn't it indulgent? What if it takes support from someone else who needs it more? When I hear the phrase "acting out", it is usually in the context of concern about a child who is displaying behaviors like screaming, tantrums, and inability to sit still or get along with other children. Or in the case of teenagers, it's used to describe behaviors like breaking the rules, shouting, and using drugs and alcohol. These behaviors are often paired with words like "disruptive" or "risk-taking". And "acting-out" becomes the thing to change. The suggested focus of therapy.
When I saw Dr. Gabor Mate - author and renowned addiction expert - speak in October 2012, he gave a definition of trauma that I wrote down, and since then I’ve been collecting other definitions. I think it’s important to have a clear understanding of what it is we’re trying to heal. Dr. Mate would say that trauma is the suppression of natural fears and emotions, and that all mental illness is an attempt to get away from ourselves.
Okay okay, so by now it's cliche for a therapist to ask about feelings. But seriously. Feelings are important! And I can't tell you the number of times I hear "okay", "fine", or "good" to this question. Since fine is not a feeling, I'm guessing that underneath this short response is a lot more than meets the eye. I'm a big believer that when we can name and understand our emotional experience, there's room to transform through it. And I know that "fine" is a bit of a social mannerism, but you can usually trust that when it's your therapist that's asking, it's okay to move beyond the surface.
I'm currently reading Peter Levine's "Healing Trauma" and feeling SO GRATEFUL that he's written out a handy list of words to describe bodily sensations. When I work with clients, I often ask them to describe thoughts, feelings, and bodily sensations of any given experience - and a lot of folks struggle with this! Most of us live in our heads and have a difficult time finding words for these other, equally important, parts of ourselves. So the next time your therapist asks how you are, instead of "okay" or "not so good", try asking yourself what sensation in your body tells you you're feeling that way.
Working in the area of sexual violence has taught me that for many folks, understanding our experience and having a name for it can help us heal from it. Knowing the definitions of sexual assault and consent and being able to claim the word "survivor" can be extremely powerful.
Words are important. They have the power to shape how we think about the world, each other, and ourselves. Words have a huge role in our view of mental health – the use of diagnostic labels being just one example. Words also have a huge role to play in how we view others – those separated from us in terms of race, class, sexual orientation, ableness, gender, and a thousand other ways we categorize “otherness”. The words we use in that dreaded self-talk can also be a lot more impactful than we realize. This blog is a place to slow down and examine the words we use and how they impact us in both our personal and collective mental health. I believe that words are powerful, but I also believe that we have the power to change our language to shape the kind of world we want to live in.
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AuthorNicole Perry is a Registered Psychologist and writer with a private practice in Edmonton. Her approach is collaborative and feminist at its heart. She specializes in healing trauma, building shame resilience, and setting boundaries. About the Blog
This space will provide information, stories, and answers to big questions about some of my favorite topics - boundaries, burnout, trauma, self compassion, and shame resilience - all from a feminist counselling perspective. It's also a space I'm exploring and refining new ideas.
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Stay in Touch!I'd love to give you the chance to get to know me better before choosing to work with me. One of the best ways to do that (in addition to making your way through all the resources I've posted right here on the website) is by signing up for my newsletter.
Once you sign up, you can expect to receive newsletters about every two weeks with handy guides I've created, information about the latest workshops or groups I'm offering, and a curated collection of the best articles and resources related to mental health from a feminist counselling perspective. You are also welcome to sign up as a fellow helping professional or just because you have an interest in mental health! I'd love to connect with you. |
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